


Harry Potter and the Surprisingly Inconsequential Accident

by shes_gone



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Autofellatio, Awkward Boners, Crack, Half-Assed Magic, M/M, Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-10
Updated: 2009-06-10
Packaged: 2017-11-18 18:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/563859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shes_gone/pseuds/shes_gone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, magic is hard to control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Harry Potter and the Surprisingly Inconsequential Accident

**Author's Note:**

  * For [magicofisis](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=magicofisis).



> Nearly a year ago, my Harry Potter figurine fell victim to a terrible accident. I tried to heal him a couple of times, but never successfully, because I was too cheap to buy the good superglue. In [](http://magicofisis.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://magicofisis.livejournal.com/)**magicofisis** 's honour, however, I spent the whopping $2 necessary and am healing Harry, once and for all. I dedicate this fic—perhaps the best I have ever written—to both Sue and Harry, in honour of their strength and perseverance.

## Harry Potter and the Surprisingly Inconsequential Accident

_Starring:_ |  Harry Potter .... _Himself_  
Ron Weasley ... _Himself_  
Harley ........... _the mountain lion_  
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Something had gone wrong. When he came to, Harry was blinking blurrily up at his own body. His own... headless body.  
  
He didn't know what had happened, but he was definitely still alive. _How awesome is magic?_ , he thought.  
  
Harry couldn't turn his head to look around, but out of the corner of his eye, he could make out a small black blur that he took to be his glasses.  
  
" _Accio_ glasses," he said.  
  
The small black blur immediately moved, flying up from the ground and into his waiting hand, high above his head. |   
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|  "Damn," Harry said. "Should've see that coming. Come here, um, me." Harry's body turned a little to the left, then a little to the right, but didn't move. It didn't seem to know where he was. "Shit, OK. Um, _Accio_ body."  
  
His robe fluttered a bit, but nothing happened. "Oh, right," Harry said. "I'm an idiot. _Accio_ head."  
  
He had the sudden sensation that he was falling, except... up, and when he found himself resting in his own sweaty grip, he needed a moment to let the dizziness pass.  
  
"Shit," he said, because his glasses were on the floor again. "Nice job, spaz."  
  
Suddenly, Harry heard footsteps behind him. He whirled around to see who it was, but he still didn't have his glasses, so was feeling very vulnerable in addition to headless.  
  
"Who's there?!" he called.  
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"Harry?" came a wonderfully familiar voice.  
  
"Ron!" Harry said with relief. "I didn't recognise you, I've dropped my glasses."  
  
Ron was quiet for a moment. "I think that may not be the worst of your problems, mate. Have you noticed that you're, um. Holding your head in your hand?"  
  
"Yeah, thanks. I had an accident."  
  
"Guess so," Ron said, and Harry could hear his smile even if he couldn't see it. "You'd better be careful, mate, Nearly Headless Nick's gonna be jealous."  
  
"Well, I'm hoping my head will be back on before he has reason to find out. Will you help me?"  
  
"'Course," Ron said, as he stepped around Harry and picked up his glasses. "I don't actually have my wand, but I'll see what I can do."  |   
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| "What? Where's your wand?"  
  
"Mountain lion got it."  
  
"Oh. Shit, sorry."  
  
"Yeah, thanks." Ron shrugged.  
  
"Do you think we should find someone with a wand to help?" Harry asked.  
---|---  
  
  


"Nah, I've been practising my wandless magic, don't worry about it. And I think if I just hold your glasses up like this, that'll help focus it."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah, sure."  
  
"All right, let's give it a go."  
  
Ron raised Harry's glasses and thought, for a moment. Then, " _Reattachium Cranium_." |   
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|  Harry's head flew out of his hands and up onto his neck. He felt it settle into place, but something wasn't quite right.  
  
He looked down and saw only the back of his robes.  
  
"Ron!"  
  
"Shit, sorry! Hang on, hang on. _Rotatium Cranium_."  
---|---  
  
  


Harry shook off his dizziness.  
  
"Better?" Ron asked.  
  
Harry looked down, and was relieved to see his front half. "Much, thank you." Harry turned his head from side to side, and it all seemed to be in working order. "Excellent."  
  
He stepped towards Ron, reaching for his glasses.  
  
"Hey, wait," Ron said. "Did your accident make you shorter, too?" |   
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|  Harry blinked, and realised that, indeed, Ron seemed much taller than he usually did. Harry was barely as tall as Ron's waist.  
  
"Shit, I guess so," he said.  
  
"Now you really _are_ a midget," Ron said.  
  
"Fuck off. Help me fix it."  
  
"You sure? I already put your head on backwards."  
  
"Yeah, but it's fine now, isn't it?"  
---|---  
  
  


"Well, OK," Ron said. "Um. _Stretchium_."  
  
"Bit too much, maybe," Harry said. |  |  Ron tried again. |   
---|---|---|---  
  
  


And again. |  |  And again.  
  
And just as Harry was thinking that maybe they should have asked someone with a wand to come help them, he found himself back on his feet, startlingly close to Ron.  |   
---|---|---|---  
  
  


They both froze, and neither seemed able to move for several moments.  
  
Harry felt his eyes go wide as he blinked at Ron's groin, remarkably clear at such close range. |   
---|---  
  
  


|  Ron took a step back. "Um, sorry," he said, his voice tight.  
  
Harry said nothing, and continued to stare at Ron's crotch.  
  
"I, um," Ron said, "I think I got it this time." He raised his arm to cast another spell.  
  
"Wait," Harry said.  
  
"Huh?" said Ron.  
  
"Just... wait a sec."  
  
Ron waited.  
---|---  
  
  


Harry took a slow step towards Ron, and watched his trousers come back into focus as he got close.  
  
"Mate, what're you..." Ron trailed off.  
  
"Dunno," Harry said, "but maybe being a midget wouldn't be that bad..."  
  
"Um," Ron said.  
  
And then, something terrible happened. |   
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|  Ron got an erection and it knocked Harry's head clean off.  
---|---  
  
  


"Shit!" Ron cried, as he ran over to Harry's rolling head. "Are you OK, mate?"  
  
"Yes," Harry said, sighing.  
  
"I'm really sorry, I didn't. I, um." Ron was very close, and Harry watched his face go blurrily bright red.  
  
"It's all right. I think maybe you should get a new wand, though. I don't think my glasses are really doing the trick."  |   
---|---  
  
  


| "Fair enough," Ron said. "Here, take them back."  
  
Carefully, Ron slid Harry's glasses into place. Harry tried not to shiver as Ron's fingertips brushed his cheek in the process.  
  
"Should I fetch Hermione to fix your head?" Ron was still red and avoiding Harry's finally focussed gaze.  
  
"I suppose so. Thanks, mate."  
  
"No problem."  
---|---  
  
  


Harry sighed and watched Ron leave the room.  
  
He didn't much like having his head on the floor, so, " _Accio_ head," he said. |   
---|---  
  
  


|  He held his head and turned it about the room, making sure no one else was around. He wasn't sure how much time he had before Ron returned with Hermione, but he had a bit of a problem that needed taking care of.  
  
Carefully, he turned his head around and lowered it to the troublesome bulge in his jeans.  
  
Shut up, you would've done the same thing and you know it.  
---|---  
  
  


_**Sometime later...**_  
  
When Ron returned with Hermione, both he and Harry were presentable, if a little red-faced and short of breath.  
  
Hermione reaffixed Harry's head and grew him back to his normal height. It took a while for Ron and Harry to come to terms with what had happened, but soon enough they were living happily ever after in a relationship that was totally free of creepy headlessness and weird chan-like overtones.  
  
 **The End!** |   
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End file.
